When I was six I wanted to be a knight in shining armour! Who rescued the princess from the tallest tower in the castle and defeated the wicked dragon before riding off into the sunset and sharing a romantic kiss. (Who was also a Pokemon master and an artist on the side but I digress... ) Growing up I slowly learned that the girls weren’t the main protagonists in these fantasies, and I wasn’t supposed to be saving the princess, I was supposed to be the one being saved. As I got older I never stopped wanting to be the hero but I buried my image of a dashing knight with her darling princess. I would scoff at cheesy romcoms and musicals despite being a bleeding romantic inside, and the feelings were buried deeper and deeper. I had other things to focus on anyways.
When I was thirteen, I had just moved to a new country and I started school all over. I was in a strange place that didn’t feel like my home and that magnified my sadness and confusion. My brighter memories are from the evenings spent alone in my room playing video games, lost in familiar worlds. I was working hard to be a Pokemon master and then the 'Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword' came out. The story is a dashing knight from a land in the sky (Link) has to rescue the stolen Princess (Zelda), defeat the great evil and save the world. (Also, there are dragons!)
This appealed to me immediately and it was obvious how I projected myself onto the characters and grew to fall in love with them in the same way they loved each other. What I couldn’t foresee at the time, was how I projected myself onto both characters and this would only come later to me in hindsight. How could I be both the princess and the knight? Did that mean I liked girls or boys? Boys could only like girls and girls could only like boys right? I knew some girls liked girls and boys had a boyfriend but that wasn’t me, it was too restrictive even so, and I didn’t think it was okay to do that. I was told it wasn't okay to do that. I shoved my feelings away, I needed to focus on other things. I just moved after all.
When I was fifteen, I started to be happier at school. I was beginning to make more friends, I enjoyed my subjects a lot more and I could wake up most days excited for the next. My evening video games sessions were still a constant when I was introduced to the wonderful worlds of Bioware, 'Mass Effect' and 'Dragon Age'. The key premise to these games was the following: Every choice you make matters and impacts the story so you can carve your own path.
You can carve your own path.
I popped in the disc for 'Mass Effect 2', designed my own female Shepard with her own unique backstory and set out, ready to save the galaxy. The choices you made impacted the well being of the galaxy, the survival of your very own crew, and the relationships you had with them. You even had the choice to start a romance storyline with a particular available character. Curious, I looked at my available options and saw there were a couple of girls listed, but that wasn’t for me right? I'm not like that. I went for the witty, sharpshooter and enjoyed his storyline thoroughly, laughing and crying along the way and bringing out that bleeding romantic I mentioned. But I was always curious about that other girl… Feelings I chose to mull over another day.
When I was sixteen going on seventeen, I felt more happy and confident than I had before. I loved the challenge of my school subjects, I had stronger relationships with my friends and I rediscovered my love for musicals. I was so sure about everything about myself; I knew what I wanted to study, where and nothing else could phase me right? It was the summer holiday, and I was sitting at the dining room table with my laptop, and my family milling about me in a regular midday mood. I was reminiscing about the first two seasons of 'The Legend of Korra', my favourite animated show, and how much it resonated with me. I wanted to take a look back at my favourite moments and lo and behold, the first episode of season three is out and I open it without even thinking twice.
Korra and Asami, the main heroines of the show, awkwardly address the love triangle situation they were in with Mako, another member of the team. They laugh it off, sass each other a bit all while going for a drive. I immediately love the chemistry between these two, and the feeling I had been burying for so long comes alive again. I continue watching. Korra turns from Asami back to the road while calmly smiling and says “I'm glad it hasn't come between us. I've never had a girlfriend to hang out with and talk to before” And with that simple line a new thought occurs to me,
I can like girls and boys just like Korra can.
This was no declaration of love or confirmation of the relationship between the two women, just a sweet and casual line shared in friendship but to me it was a whole lot more. This moment was quiet and eye-opening and fully mine. I took my laptop back to my room, and went on about my day as if my entire world hadn't been shaken to its core.
Throughout my ongoing journey of self discovery, I noticed how I projected myself onto characters, a simple form of escapism into fantasy worlds where anything is possible and you can carve your own path. I buried my feelings of confusion regarding romance down and focused on other things, but it would always come back eventually. I didn’t understand that I could choose to like anyone because there weren’t other stories, characters that I could look up to. And even given a free choice, I felt restricted to only the male characters, as if there was an invisible written rule that I had to follow. I always wondered why I couldn’t fully connect to some characters and beloved books, as if I was always holding myself back. Even though I learned that I wanted to be a hero so young, and seeing strong female characters always validated me, but I didn’t understand and I couldn’t even process my feelings towards people of all genders. Then I found a word for it, a beautiful word and I said it to myself like a mantra,
I am bisexual. I like people regardless of their gender.
And it was so freeing! It helped me accept so much of myself, from the bleeding heart romantic, to the endlessly cheesy and bright person I am now. I continued watching my shows, reading my books and playing my video games, indulging these stories to their fullest extent, except now I understood that I could get the girl if I really wanted. I did end up going back to romancing that girl in 'Mass Effect' and I loved every second of that storyline even more so. I will always treasure the memories I have of grinning so much that it hurt while my Inquisitor duelled for Josephine’s hand in 'Dragon Age Inquisition', and the Princess Diaries foot-popping kiss they shared afterwards.
I wish I had 'Not Your Sidekick' and the 'Dark Wife' because those were the heroic and graceful, and sickeningly sweet books I needed when I was 13. A young wannabe bi superhero who falls in love with the popular girl at her internship to the retelling of Hades and Persephone’s story with Hades as the benevolent and motherly God of the Dead; it was fulfilling to read about characters that appealed to this newly discovered side of myself. I was touched by the breathless, wholehearted coming out confessions of Alex Danvers and Elena Alvarez, and they inspired me to come out to my family because it was a feeling I recognised so fully.
No moment can compare to this one. On the 19th of December, 2014, the grande finale to 'The Legend of Korra' airs and Korra and Asami canonically confirm their relationship as they hold hands, gaze into each other’s eyes lovingly and walk into the glowing light as the music swells. They share their first kiss and confess their love for each other. I was beyond ecstatic, this was my universe aligning moment. In Korra, I saw myself and this simple act of representation and validation has done more for me than I can put into words. These characters helped inspire and define me and I am grateful that I was able to accept myself fully and wholeheartedly, love myself for who I am and find a wonderful community of people that felt the same way.
I learned many important lessons from these inspiring characters but here is what I wish I could tell my younger self, confused and lost about her feelings.